Noel's Stag/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: And now it's the beginning of our show, the part where the camera comes up the hallway at big expense to us. But, you know, that's because of the dolly rental and things like that, of course. But it's just an indication to show you how much we're willing to do to put on a good show, and that's why we're showing you the hallway. Anyway, here's the man who pays for the dolly in every way, my uncle and the star of "the red green show" -- mr. Red gre-e-e-e-n! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and welcome to possum lodge. Harold produces and directs the show and everything else that I don't feel like doing or think is important or understand or care about. I think it's very important to the look and the pace of the show, especially the special effects. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! I think that's at least as helpful as that dolly is. Speaking of dollies, our head of security is getting married. What? Noel? Noel is getting married? [ laughs ] I didn't even know he was dating a girl. Oh, yeah, it all happened last week. He and junior singleton were skinny-dipping down at suicide rock, which is pretty gutsy when you consider the amount of carnivorous wildlife that hangs out down there. Anyway, they were right in the middle of a dip skinwise, and a couple of women came by. And, well, the story gets a little fuzzy here, but, uh, it ends up with noel proposing to one of them. And the surprise is that what he proposed was marriage. Isn't that something, harold? Marriage? What? Sorry. Missed that. Sorry. I was just saying noel is engaged. In what? In marriage, harold. Noel is gonna marry one of those women. Wa-a-a! Does that mean junior is gonna marry the other one? Well, he's gonna check it with his present wife, but I don't think it looks good. I was just thinking, you know what I mean? If noel can find a woman, maybe there's hope for me, too. I mean, if noel could, I certainly could! Wa-a-a! Maybe I should go skinny-dipping for mrs. Right. Or mr. Snapping turtle. Uh, noel has had dates before, but that was usually on dates with women. This was totally different. This one -- belinda, belinda is her name -- well, belinda actually didn't mind talking to noel for a few minutes. And as far as he's concerned, that's love. The lads are a little skeptical, you know, of love at first sight, especially if the first sight is of noel. I really don't think you guys are in any position to be judging relationships. I mean, if you knew anything about women, you wouldn't spend half your life up at this lodge and the other half sleeping. We know how to get along with women, harold. It's just tiring. That's all. It takes love, understanding, and sensitivity. Yeah, right, yeah. Anyway, noel is gonna tie the old slipknot next week, and everybody at the lodge is invited. It's kind of exciting, so a bunch of us all went back for another skinny dip, and we decided that junior is the best man. So, we're gonna have the wedding out by the cistern there, where the mosquitos are real bad, and that way the minister will keep everything kind of goosing along for us. Where have they decided to go on their honeymoon? They're going to des moines, iowa, harold. Yeah, there's a chuck norris film festival down there. Kind of a lifelong dream for noel. They've already registered the china pattern with 7-eleven. I wonder what I should get noel for his prenuptials. Well, I think the doctors will take care of that. Harold, have you seen how long the grass is? No. I've seen "how green is my valley." is this, like, a sequel or something? I'm talking about the grass out behind the lodge. We can't have an unkept lawn with noel's wedding coming up. It looks scruffy. Why don't you go out there and cut that lawn? It's a field! Yes, but it doesn't have to be a messy field. I could pay you. I want $1,000 and a tractor. Yes, I'm sure you would. But as lodge treasurer, I'd have to say, "get real." look, perhaps one of your school chums could do it. Wa-a-a! No, they hit me every time I ask them things like that. Well, then, I'm just gonna have to go out there and do it myself. Is that what you want? I hadn't really thought about it. Yes, I do, actually. Okay. Fine. Fine. Fine. I'm having a little trouble getting your nephew to help me out here, red. No kidding? Fine! Okay, I got noel's stag thing pretty well set up. We're having a stag for noel? This is the first time I've heard about it. How come nobody told me anything? Try coming to the lodge meetings, bob. That sometimes works. No, no stags. No, stags are a pagan ritual, and I will not be involved. You go right ahead if you like, but I will not be there. Of course, it looks like I'm not invited, either. I made this list up of what we'll need for a major party. Okay, the flares are optional, but I thought they'd be a nice touch. And we're gonna have to get a couple more cases of beer. My brother is coming. How's that wedding gift coming there, bill? Great. Don't forget the salami. So, are we figuring on holding this wingding in the lodge, helmut? No, in the woods -- more washrooms. I mean, we'll have to come in for a while 'cause it'll be too dark to see the stripper. Stripper? No, no, no, no, no. No strippers. Strippers are sexist and archaic -- no, no, no. Do you honestly believe that the bride is over there, having a male stripper at her shower? Wa-a-a! Okay, yes, we know she is. But the point is, we should be setting an example. Well, uh, we'll just turn the other cheek. [ laughs ] no, wait. Harold's right. Well, there's two words I never thought I'd say together. Anyway, we can do much better than that. We could have a civilized stag. Not a game of golf. Not a game of golf. The noel open. A game of golf. 36 holes of camaraderie, revelry, jocularity. Of course, all proceeds go to noel. Then later we'll gather in the pro shop and sing scottish tunes. I'm sorry, bob, this stag is for members only. Harry lauder is not coming. We have to do what members of possum lodge have always done. It's tradition. The party, the beer, the stripper, the fistfight, the drive to the hospital. It's tradition! You see, maybe you don't remember, but I work for the natural resources. If a bunch of lodge members are gonna be capering about in the woods, well, I've got to concern myself with environmental damage. Well, the woods will fare a hell of a lot better than a golf course will, I'll tell you that. Well, it's noel's stag. Why don't we let him decide? Are you kidding? We're talking about noel. Yeah, you're right. Who wants to spend a whole evening playing ping-pong and eating yogurt? Let me know what you figure out, anyway. You know, the lodge is supposed to be a democracy. Why don't we let just the majority decide? We'll have a vote tonight at the lodge meeting. What if it's a tie? We'll let the stripper vote. Fine. No, no, no, no, no, no. Only lodge members can vote. Unless, of course, one of the lodge members is the stripper and he takes his clothes off. Wa-a-a-a! He's not, is he? ♪ oh, the cold, cold rain comes out of the sky ♪ ♪ it lands on things that were formerly dry ♪ ♪ it runs down the roof and drips from the eaves ♪ ♪ and lets you know exactly where your bald spots are ♪ this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna talk about recycling. If you're like me, uh, you hate to throw things away -- bits of string or newspapers or old engines and stuff. You know, what are you gonna do with an old engine? Now, I suppose I could take this down to the auto wrecker's or a scrap iron yard or whatever and get a few dollars for it, but the hassle of me driving down there in the truck, with the cost of gas being what it is. And, of course, I'd have to put this -- actually install this back into the truck before I could drive down there. So, what am I gonna do with this old engine? Well, I know that ordinarily what you'd do is you'd zip down to a conservation area and just dump it into a ravine or something, but I'd like to show you something kind of interesting. I'm gonna show you how you can equip your whole kitchen from one engine. Now, everybody with space between their teeth likes corn on the cob. What an interesting way to hold the corn on the cob than to take your valves out of your engine and thrust them into the ends of your cob. And then you can take the valve cover off the motor, and this is a handy tray to hold your butter. Just roll it in there. Or you can make it 10w-30 if it's to go. I don't care where you go. You're not gonna find a better frying pan than an air cleaner. Get your bacon around the outside there, do pancakes with a little twist in them up in the middle. And then, of course, it comes with a lid. Pop that right on. And you put the wing nut on her there. You got yourself a pressure cooker. Unbelievable. Another thing -- kind of interesting. I don't care where you go, who you know, what you see, what you do. You are not gonna find a better roasting pan than the sump pan off of a motor. You ever try to ladle the soup in the kitchen? It's a real problem. Makes a big mess all over the place. What you do is take your exhaust manifold, line up the ports over the soup bowls, put the soup into a pitcher of some kind, and then you just pour the soup right up your own tailpipe. How about that, huh? See? And you were gonna throw this stuff out, huh? So, until next time, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. How about some more soup, guys? Coming right up. [ glugging ] oh, nuts, we got the chunky. "it is autumn. "time to get the boat out of the lake. If only you could remember where it sank." so, anyway, everything is kind of coming together for the wedding. Junior singleton's wife has accepted his apology. Junior says he could make it a double-ring ceremony, where noel and belinda would get married and then junior and his wife could renew their vows. But his wife's not too keen on that. She says she's not sorry that she married him, but she's had 10 years to kind of think it over, and let's not push it. You know, I think weddings force you into that sort of thinking. You reevaluate your marriage and your life or what have you. Yeah, and what have you, harold? I have my hobbies and my work, you know, like this. Oh, you mean if I could find you a wife, you'd quit? Oh, no, I'm not into those prearranged marriage things. I mean, love and destiny are the stars which I steer my life by. Wa-a-a, I think you're like that. Oh, yes, I do. How did you and aunt bernice meet, uncle red? Well, she was the only one who answered the ad. See, now, I know that's a lie. I know that. I know that deep down you are a happily married man. Well, yeah. Yeah, you're right, harold. Your aunt bernice has made me what I am today. Don't ever say that to her, uncle red. That could be, oh, so hurtful. Uh, douglas, can I ask you a question here for a minute? I'm a bit busy right here, red. Well, that's okay. I don't mind. It's about noel's stag. I need to ask you about money. It's always about money, isn't it, red? "douglas, can we spare some money? "douglas, can I have some money? Douglas, how many quarters in a dollar?" why do people always bother me with money problems? Well, probably because you're the lodge treasurer. Well, I'm a treasurer without a treasure. I'm sorry, red, the men are just going to have to pass the hat. Oh, I don't think so, douglas. I mean, everybody likes noel, but not enough to actually cough up some money for him. Well, how much money are we wasting here, anyway? Well, depends what kind of a stag you're talking about. Right now, it's either gonna be a friendly game of golf or a pagan ceremony out in the jungle. Well, a golf tournament would be more expensive than a jungle orgy. Yeah, that's what we figured, too. Helmut says he can bring it in for under 200 bucks, and that would include a mirror ball, uh, fireworks, a bricklayer's trowel -- that's the gift -- uh, seven cases of beer, half a dozen carrot sticks, and a stripper. Oh, well, you can stop right there, mister. I'm not gonna be any part of a sexist, disgusting display of female flesh. It's degrading. Well, we weren't asking you to go, douglas. We just want you to pay for it. Why doesn't someone just go into town and rent some movies, you know, like maybe fellini's "amarcord" or buñuel's "the discreet charm of the bourgeoisie"? And then we can sit and watch films and eat popcorn. Boy, uh, douglas, we're talking about some pretty modest attention spans at the lodge. I don't really think we've got the subtitles crowd in there. Well, I'm sorry, red. I tried to help. You know, I have to buy a new toilet seat, and you're asking me for stag money. What would you do? Well, depends when you asked me. What is wrong with this thing? Why is it that the things around here always just break and fall apart? Well, let me give it a try. [ engine turns over ] [ film projector clicking ] red: For those of you who have watched our show more than once, first of all, get help now. And secondly, you'll recognize this bit 'cause this is actually part two of an "adventure with bill" we did earlier, where he cut his forehead with a knife. This is how to find food in the woods. What he's doing here in part two is he says that there's certain kinds of trees that you can just peel the bark off and chew it. It's got protein in there, and it's got ribo... Ribo... It's got stuff in it that's good for you. Chewy, though. By golly, it's chewy. I wouldn't say that it had a shortage of taste. It just had a shortage of good taste. By golly, she was chewy, and I thought, "I think I might have a better application for this." [ squishing ] perfect. Now, bill looks up the tree there and sees a nest. Well, he figured there's probably gonna be a couple eggs in there, so he needs a little boost up. Ohh! Bill has put on a fair bit of weight since we used to do this when we were 6 and 7 years old. His -- his aim isn't any better, either. But, uh... This is taking far too long. You don't want someone to come across you in the woods when you're doing that, I'll tell you. Anyway, why didn't we just get the ladder in the first place? So, bill sets the ladder up after hurting me bad, and I'm gonna hold steady the ladder for him. He's gonna go up there. That's one of them 3-legged cherry-picking ladders, I believe. He's gonna go up and do a little cherry-picking of his own. There's an egg right there. That's a big bird. Two eggs. Sunny side up. Ew! And a strip of bacon. May not be a bird's nest. It might actually be a denny's. Another egg there. He's doing real -- whoops! Whoops! Oh! Oh! Now I get mad and I pull the ladder over. Aah! I was a little embarrassed about that, but not too bad. He's all right. And down the nest comes. We could have got the eggs that way, anyway. Funny how life's fair sometimes, isn't it? Perfect. [ lawn mower running ] well, apparently, a decision has been made about noel's stag. Whatever it is and wherever it is gonna happen, it's gonna take place after the lodge meeting tonight. You know, the lodge has quite a history of stags over the last 100 years. Actually, old man sedgwick has been to all of them. In fact, at his own stag, he had such a good time, he actually missed his wedding day. Luckily, his bride ran off with the caterer. I remember at bill smith's stag, a whole bunch of us got up in a tree, and then helmut cut it down. And what we thought was just a social error, uh, turned out to be the chain saw backfiring. We set the tree on fire -- burned us all to the ground. Uncle red, I do not know how you can associate risking life and limb with a good time. I mean, whatever happened to good conversation, dancing, music, pop, you know, stuff like that? Well, harold, it's not enough to enjoy a party. You know, you have to survive a party. After one of our stags, 50 years of marriage is a cakewalk. [ screeching ] oh, okay. Well, I guess we should bring this up at the next meeting. I'll see you down there, okay? All right. Uh, don't worry. We're not gonna let 100 years of tradition go down the drain just to allow some common sense to get between us and a little harmful fun. I'll see you later. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching continues ] all rise. Rise up, rise up. [ clears throat ] all: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. [ laughs ] so, is the lucky groom here? No, no, this is perfect. All right. All right, the floor recognizes helmut wintergarden. Good news, guys. The stag is on. [ all cheering ] I ordered the beer, and eddie said he's gonna prepare some food so we can use it in the food fight. Well, actually, hang on a second. Just a minute here, guys. I've been checking the fire danger reports, and the forest is tinder-dry. This stag could turn into a huge inferno. [ all cheering ] now, wait a minute. Now, hang on, hang on. Now, what do you think about this? Why don't we take the stag and move it right onto the golf course? [ booing ] listen just for a second. Listen. The golf course, it's always watered, so there's no possibility there will be a fire. Come on, just imagine 50 guys out there, playing golf in the middle of the night. I could get those glow-in-the-dark golf balls from my friend at the atomic energy. Come on. It'll be fun. [ silence ] you can bring, uh, all the beer you want onto the course. [ cheering ] why don't we use the balls that don't glow in the dark? That'll add a little edge to the game. Yeah! Then afterwards, we can have a demolition derby with the golf carts. I like that! You know what? We'll take our shovels. We'll go up where all the greens are, that grass they pay a million dollars a square inch for, and we'll just shovel underneath it, flip it all over! [ all cheering ] actually, wait. Hang on a second. I think probably having the party in the forest would be fine. No, no, no, no, no, no! On the golf course is great. 'cause you know why? You know why? Shut up. I'll tell you why. Because what we do, right, we go skinny-dipping in the water hazards, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah! And then you know what else we do? We get up, and to dry off, we roll around in the sand traps. Wa-a-a! Imagine that! In the sand traps, rolling around to get dry in the sand. I'm not invited, so it's not, like, a point or something. I understand there's going to be a stripper. [ whooping, cheering ] busty belinda bettendorf. Oh, yeah, I know her. When I told noel about her, he got so excited, he burst into tears, ran up to suicide rock. Wait a sec, wait a sec, wait a sec. Belinda bettendorf? That's -- that's the name of noel's bride. Noel's marrying a stripper? Huh?! Huh?! [ laughs ] I don't know. He seems to think that she's a legal secretary. Well, don't you see? That's why noel is crying. He's probably called off the wedding by now. She lost her job. I think douglas is right, guys. We've all just been snookered out of a stag party. [ all moaning ] oh, no! Way to go, noel! Well, if there's no other lodge business... Douglas, give us some entertainment. I was never -- it was my first one. I was gonna be invited to my first one. Well, boys, I've got something special for you today. I'm going to show you how to juggle. Well, of course, we're all pretty disappointed about there being no stag. I guess we're gonna have to come to terms with that -- you know, that our hopes and our dreams are dashed. Our plans were for nothing, and we've all been kind of betrayed on some level. I guess in time we'll be able to forgive noel. You know, time heals all wounds and all that. But still, you know... As for noel, I'm sure that out there somewhere is a short, bullheaded, female correctional officer who would like to be mrs. Noel christmas. Noel christmas -- yeah, that's his name. Of course, the people that gave him that name will be her in-laws. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'm gonna be coming straight home after the meeting. And hopefully noel will have had a chance to return our gift. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. it looks harder than it is. [ chuckles nervously ] well, you could even do this w-with other people. Bob, why don't you come up here and show the boys how to juggle with two people? All right. I guess so. This is a great thing. It goes really well at parties.